Episode 5: Le dépucelage de Bruno
Il s'en souvient Bruno. Dans les moindres détails. Jusqu'au plus sordide. Bruno et sa bite, une histoire à la con. Ah ah ah... Car Bruno a de l'humour aussi, en plus d'avoir une bite. Il a même plus du premier que de la seconde. Pourtant, ce soir là, il allait devoir s'en servir comme un grand de son machin. Ben oui, il avait enfin trouvé une fille Bruno. Une Canadienne qui -hasard de la vie- partageait sa piaule. Ce soir là, ça faisait bien une quinzaine de jours qu'ils se bécotaient. Chastes comme des collégiens.
Pourtant, la fille... ben elle voulait qu'il joue à l'homme enfin Bruno. Mais Bruno avait un problème. Oh pas grand chose. Une plaie pas tout à fait cicatrisée au bout de son machin. Beuuurk... Et ouais beuuuurk. Une quinzaine de jours plus tôt, Bruno était passé sur la table à opérer. Pour une coupe de printemps. Pas pour des raisons religieuses, non, Bruno il s'en foutait du messie et de toutes ces conneries pour esprit primaire. Bruno il avait un problème médical et le docteur lui avait dit: "Faut tout couper Bruno!" Il l'accepta sans rechigner. Sauf qu'à la sortie de la clinique, il pouvait pas baiser Bruno. Fallait que ça cicatrise.
"Combien ça va prendre?", avait-il demandé à l'infirmière avant de partir de la clinique. "Le temps qu'il faudra... Pas plus d'un mois, ne vous inquiétez pas", lui avait-elle répondu. PAS PLUS D'UN MOIS! C'était trop pour Bruno qui se retrouvait comme un con de karatéka dans une pub pour Ariel. "Mais j'ai un match cet après-midi, comment je vais faire?" Tu vas souffrir connard. Surtout au début, quand tu te retrouveras couché sur elle et que tu auras une érection et que tu sentiras tes points tirés sur la chair tendre de ton pénis. Aïe... Mais Bruno a bien tenu. A se faire des pansements de fortune, avec des kleenex dans les chiotes avant d'aller en cours. En allant se coucher. Ou entre deux érections.
Puis vint le jour. Finalement ça avait assez vite cicatrisé. Moins de deux semaines. Bruno conseille d'ailleurs le mélange bétadine/kleenex trois fois par jour... Pas très règlementaire mais très efficace. Bref, tout allait bien, la peau était saine, rose, douce et tout. Bruno allait enfin faire l'amour. "T'as des capotes?", lui demanda-t-elle. -"Non... Et toi?" -"Non plus..." Mal barré le Bruno. Lui qui croyait que les filles en avait toujours bien planqué dans un tiroir se retrouvait un peu comme un con. "Ah si attends, je vais voir..." Merci aux journées Sida du 1er décembre... Bruno en avait gardé une. On sait jamais, une fois qu'une fille lui aurait sauté dessus dans un couloir du lycée. Enfin bon, ne l'accablons pas d'avantage il avait eu raison. Mais il fallait encore la mettre cette capote. Tout seul comme un connard biensûr. Trop timide pour demander de l'aide. Bruno ne s'en souvient plus mais je suis sûr que ce soir là il l'a mise à l'envers l'imbécile. Enfin, peu importe le flacon pourvu qu'on ait le sexe. Pour Bruno -et certainement pour sa copine- ce fut d'un rare ennui... Il ne sentit rien. Vers la fin ça le chatouilla un peu et il jouit, silencieux. Un peu déçu, il se releva et enleva la capote. Ne sachant trop quoi en faire il alla discretos la jeter dans la poubelle de la salle de bain. Prétextant une grosse soif et une envie de fumer. Sa copine savait pourtant qu'il ne fumait pas, ce qui le rendit sans doute plus ridicule encore...
Bruno était passé à côté et il le savait. Mais le lendemain avec ses potes, aussi médiocre qu'avait pu être cette nuit, Bruno eut toute la journée le visage barré par le plus grand sourire qu'il n'avait jamais eu. Il était sincèrement heureux.
114 Comments:
ça me rappelle qqun...
mais elle, c'était une américaine de chicago...
On connait tous quelqu'un qui a vécu ça. Mais celle de Bruno était bien canadienne, de Calgary. Bruno n'est donc certainement pas la personne à laquelle vous pensez.
fred tu peux me tutoyer....
"anonyme"
qui n'en est pas tout à fait un !
indice: j'ai vécu l'évènement mais pas de l'intérieur !!
heureusement pour moi....
qui suis je ?
Qu'est-ce que tu veux dire par "vécu l'événement"?
Bon alors cherchons... Ce n'est pas Sam car il n'est pas anonyme et n'a pas "vécu l'événement". Romain? Peut-être mais en deux messages il aurait bien casé un "Allez l'OM" quelque part. Rémy? Je ne crois pas, non, je ne le vois pas faire un jeu de piste avec des indices. Gregory? Je ne crois pas qu'il ait "vécu l'événement". Pas Ferras, non... Je ne le vois pas répondre comme ça. Pas Jennifer, non plus.
J'émets donc une hypothèse: Jérôme H? C'est ça, j'ai bon? En même temps, je ne le vois pas répondre ça non plus. Bon aller, je maintiens, je dis Jérôme H et je dis que c'est mon dernier mot...
Tu devrais tracer son adresse ip à l'anonyme. C'est surement Romain...
Dans le même style on pourrait rajouter l'histoire du dépucelage de Gilbert:
Gilbert a passé une nuit torride chez Simone ( version officielle ), il rentre tôt chez lui et trouve devant sa porte Gautier et Fred ( si je me souviens bien ).
Les deux comparses l'interrogent: "tu étais où ? avec qui ?". La vérité jaillit comme le jet salvateur de plaisir ( sans nul doute, je n'ai pas ton talent ). Arrivés au parc Jourdan, ils retrouvent la bande au complet. Jérome est mis au courant du changement de situation, sa réaction est immédiate: "c'est pas vrai, il a niqué ! Non c'est pas vrai il a niqué"... Et ce fut ainsi toute la journée !
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For illustration, an $eighty massage could be purchased by the client for $forty by means of Groupon, and then Groupon and the retailer would split the $forty. That is, the retailer provides a therapeutic therapeutic massage valued at $eighty and receives about $20 from Groupon for it (underneath a fifty%/50% break up). Or, if $240 benefit of property portray companies is acquired by the purchaser for $50 by way of Groupon, then the business receives $20 5 and Groupon retains $25. The customer will get the massage, or the residence painting service provider, in these examples, from the retailer for which they to get started with compensated out $forty (or $50) to Groupon. There are distinct businesses to which Groupon at first did not provide its remedies, these kinds of as capturing ranges and strip clubs even so, capturing ranges have been showcased on Groupon.
Not like categorised promoting, the support provider does not spend out any upfront value to consider part: Groupon collects personalized details from inclined shoppers and then contacts only men and women buyers, largely by day-to-day e-mail, who might perhaps be fascinated in a distinct products or supplier.
Groupon employs a substantial quantity of copywriters who draft descriptions for the discount rates showcased by e-mail and on the internet site. Groupon's promoting text for the 'deals' has been seen as a contributing aspect to the popularity of the net internet site, that contains a distinctive mix of substantial straightforward fact-inspecting and witty humor.
Owing to Groupon's market getting largely composed of feminine clientele, the discount rates are frequently targeted on the general overall health, health and splendor markets.
There are prospective troubles with the company style. For instance, a powerful provide could briefly swamp a modest group with as well numerous clients, jeopardizing a likelihood that consumers will be dissatisfied, or that there won't be enough items to satisfy the demand from customers. Gap, a massive apparel retailer, was capable to deal with 445,000 coupon codes in a countrywide provide (even though it seasoned server troubles at a solitary level), but a more compact organization could grow to be all of a unexpected flooded with clientele. A solitary coffee keep in Portland, Oregon struggled with an increase in customers for a few months, when it acquired close to to one,000 Groupons on the one working working day it was presented, according to a single report. In reaction to similar issues, Groupon officers position out that 'deal' subscriptions want to be capped in advance to a smart selection.
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